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:) from a psychiatric list:

Here is the Usenet message that started all the talk about Internet
Addiction Disorder:

As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has
been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction
Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official
criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.

Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) - Diagnostic Criteria

A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant
impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following,
occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

  1. tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

    1. A need for markedly increased amounts of time
      on Internet to achieve satisfaction

    2. markedly diminished effect with continued use
      of the same amount of time on Internet

  2. withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following

    1. the characteristic withdrawal syndrome

      1. Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use
        that has been heavy and prolonged.

      2. Two (or more) of the following, developing within
        several days to a month after Criterion 1:

        1. psychomotor agitation

        2. anxiety

        3. obsessive thinking about what is happening
          on Internet

        4. fantasies or dreams about Internet

        5. voluntary or involuntary typing movements
          of the fingers

      3. The symptoms in Criterion (b) cause distress or
        impairment in social, occupational or other important
        other area of functioning

    2. Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in
      to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms

  3. Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time
    than was intended

  4. There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down
    or control Internet use

  5. A great deal of time is spent in activities related to Internet
    use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers,
    researching Internet vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials

  6. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are
    given up or reduced because of Internet use.

  7. Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent
    or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem
    that is likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep
    deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning
    appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of
    abandonment in significant others)

Subscribe to the Internet Addiction Support Group by e-mail!


Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential
that we complete this Declaration of Independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas, I have to reboot here.

Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has
everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.

Mr. Sherman: Thanks, saaaaay, nice font.

Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just
last week.

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our
document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg

Mr. Franklin: @#$%<$#@ General Protection Fault!

Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 76. It solved that
problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended
Legislation, have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled candle
wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an
active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure? Aw, criminy!

Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell
checker recommends "unassailable."

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please?
Shoot, low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the
floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold. . . .

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you
thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72-point

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't
save the file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my
quill pen. . . .

Subject: Tech Support

The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The

woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But

that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me

is under a window, and his is working fine."


Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard


Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet,

and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"


Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at

the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the

screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." *

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"


Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the

document back to the sender when I was finished with it,

because he needed to keep it.


Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"


I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go

something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"


Some people pay for their online services with checks made

payable to "The Internet."


Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."


Tech Support: "All double-click on the File Manager


Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows-because of the

icons-I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't

believe it was meant to-"

Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't

believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little

picture' of a file 'little picture' ok?"

Customer: [click]


Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it

doesn't work."

Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his


Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Better than Fiction!

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are
some of the submittals...

1) As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote
from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems) =

2) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

3) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

4) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business.

5) Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job
in training people.

6) "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it.

7) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day. We've been working on it for
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time
to tell them.

8) My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.

9) Quote from a recent interview: "You are a top flight candidate and I see
that you have a lot of education. However, you understand, that intelligence
is not really required for this job."

10) Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."

11) How About Friday: My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for
Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died so that I would have to miss
work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her
burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

12) "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees."

13) A group of us got together concerning the lack of merit increases this
year (even though management got theirs). We made up a bumper sticker and
stuck it on the Boss's new Lexus. It reads, "How's my managing? Call

14) We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned

15) One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for

16) I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to investigate the
possibility of canceling the fire insurance and buying a used fire truck for
the employees to man.

17) Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to
prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In
the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach"
used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the
executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that
the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her
company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be
fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly
reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy
of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take
care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us
that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be
used in company memos. A month later I resigned. In accordance with company
policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the
Sunday paper.

18) Stick With Me: Our consulting group received a new manager. She recently
had received control over another business line as well, which gave her a
sense of power and grandeur. In the very first meeting with her she told the
group "Stick with me, I am building an empire at this company, and I am going
to need little people like you to be Kings and Queens."

Back to the Pub!

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