The Social Thinker
Don't think about it too long or it might happen to you!
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It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to
loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more
than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -"to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't
true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was
thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but
I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read
Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,
"What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off
the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in.
He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your
thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job,
you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed... "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college
professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on
thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out
the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with
an AM station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to
the big glass doors...they didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your
life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard
Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering
thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational
video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we
avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just
seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female,
don't worry, I have plenty of money.
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can
talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you
leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you
want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll
think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled
to leave your name, number, and a message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of
YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff
of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to
further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your
schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the
tone. Thank you."
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and
don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you."
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Monday, 10-Sep-2018 17:03:13 MDT
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