Humor

Received from Judy Martin and also published in RootsWeb Review, Vol. 1, No. 17, October 1998.

Top 10 Indicators that you've become a GENE-AHOLIC - Author unknown You introduce your daughter as your descendent. You've never met any of the people you send e-mail to, even though you're related. You can recite your lineage back eight generations, but can't remember your nephew's name. You have more photographs of dead people than living ones. You've ever taken a tape recorder and/or notebook to a family reunion. You've not only read the latest GEDCOM standard, but also you understand it. The local genealogy society borrows books from you. The only film you've seen in the last year was the 1880 census index. More than half of your CD collection is made up of marriage records or pedigrees. Your elusive ancestor has been spotted in more different places than Elvis!

Received from Eddie via GenHumor-L on September 26, 1998

Care and feeding of your computer Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data needs to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive whenever you update a document; the data will be recorded on both diskettes. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you, you will probably need to insert several dollars before being allowed to access the disk drive. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data ("data compression") enough to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Received via GenHumor-L on September 24, 1998

If lawyers are debarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn`t it follow that: electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a more positive note though, maybe politicians will be devoted.

From: Charlotte Meyer via WGW-Board-List on 21 Sep 98

You Know You're Taking Genealogy Too Seriously If .. In order to put the "final touches" on your genealogical research, you've asked all of your closest relatives to provide DNA samples. You are the only person to show up at the cemetery research party with a shovel. You were instrumental in having "non-genealogical use of the genealogy room copy machine" classified as a federal hate crime. Your house leans slightly toward the side where your genealogical records are stored. You decided to take a two-week break from genealogy, and the U.S. Postal Office immediately laid off 1,500 employees. Out of respect for your best friend's unquestioned reputation for honesty and integrity, you are willing to turn off that noisy surveillance camera while she reviews your 57 genealogical research notebooks in your home. The armed security guard, however, will remain. You plod merrily along "refining" your recently published family history, blissfully unaware that the number of errata pages now far exceeds the number of pages in your original publication. During an ice storm and power outage, you ignore the pleas of your shivering spouse and place your last quilt around that 1886 photograph of dear Uncle George. The most recent document in your "Missing Ancestors" file is a 36-page contract between you and Johnson Billboard Advertising Company. Ed McMahon, several t.v. cameras and an envelope from Publishers Clearing House arrive at your front door on Super Bowl Sunday, and the first thing you say is, "Are you related to the McMahons of Ohio?". "A Loving Family" and "Financial Security" have moved up to second and third, respectively, on your list of life's goals, but still lag far behind "Owning My Own Microfilm Reader." A magical genie appears and agrees to grant your any one wish, and you ask that the 1890 census be restored.

From: John G. West via WGW-List on 19 Sep 98

There are reports of tombstones inscribed with "Went to bed feeling fine, Woke up dead!"

From: Charlotte Meyer via WGW-List on 19 Sep 98

Actual letters to the Family History Department. "Would you believe...these are copies of actual correspondence received by the Family History Department. The excerpts were sent to my LDS Stay-Home Moms list from the list owner. I don't know where she found them."

Our 2nd great grandfather was found dead crossing the plains in the library. He was married 3 times in the endowment house and has 21 children. He and his daughter are listed as not being born. I would like to find out if I have any living relatives or dead relatives or ancestors in my family. Will you send me a list of all the Dripps in your library? My Grandfather died at the age of 3. We are sending you 5 children in a separate envelope. Documentation: Family Bible in possession of Aunt Merle until the tornado hit Topeka, Kansas, now only the Good Lord know where it is . . . The wife of #22 could not be found. Somebody suggested that she might have been stillborn -- what do you think? I am mailing you my aunt and uncle and 3 of their children. Enclosed please find my Grandmother. I have worked on her for 30 years without success. Now see what you can do. I have a hard time finding myself in London. If I were there I was very small and cannot be found. This family had 7 nephews that I am unable to find. If you know who they are, please add them to the list. We lost our Grandmother, will you please send us a copy? Will you please send me the name of my first wife? I have forgotten her name. A 14-year-old boy wrote: "I do not want you to do my research for me. Will you please send me all of the material on the Welch line, in the US, England and Scotland countries? I will do the research."

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